In an instant our lives seem to have been turned upside down.  The ultrasound confirmed that I had indeed lost the pregnancy while there at the hospital.  I feel like my world shattered a little into tiny pieces.  I have moments where I just look at Ezekiel and realize that we are beyond blessed to have this really true living miracle right here among us.  I'm realizing what a gift we where given to have a pregnancy to go full term.

This is now our 3rd loss.  But one that hits the hardest.  We where almost 1/4 through our pregnancy.  It makes me unsure on if I want to try again and yet determined to try again and make it work.  But that is just an illusion.  I can't "make" anything work.  I can't control any part of this.  I have to truly let go and give it to God.  It's so hard.  Beyond hard to know what the right thing to do is. 

Isaac and I talked about what this means for trying again in the future.  Answer: we need to pray about it.  We both are willing to try again but maybe it isn't the right time.  Maybe God has some little child out there already that belongs with us and we are supposed to bring them home to join our family. 

There are so many what if's and could be's out there it's hard to say. 

For now I will allow myself to heal.  I will take things just one day at a time.  I will allow myself to feel this grief.  I will also cherish the family I do have even more.  Every single day.