I have wanted several times today to pick up the phone call the Dr and ask if I decide to continue down the path to try and get pregnant what steps do we need to take? A way to just get it over with in order to have all the information I can. Then I think about everything that happened in that hospital on Sunday and I never want to go through something like that again. Why would I even give my body the chance to betray me like that?
I feel angry. I feel betrayed. Yesterday I took all day to try to make sense of why it could have happened....well you know what I don't care WHY it happened. We were robbed of a child. Regardless of if we adopt, get pregnant again...whatever. We were robbed. We were blind sided. Being still is so hard. Learning there isn't always an answer for everything is also hard. Today being forced to do nothing physically is forcing me to be still. To not fill the time with projects, cleaning and errands. It makes me think, it makes me grieve, and it makes me heal.
Today this scripture really spoke to me:
Psalm 71:
In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
2 In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.
let me never be put to shame.
2 In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.
5 For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
I will ever praise you.
7 I have become a sign to many;
you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
I will ever praise you.
7 I have become a sign to many;
you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him.”
12 Do not be far from me, my God;
come quickly, God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him.”
12 Do not be far from me, my God;
come quickly, God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 As for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
of your saving acts all day long—
though I know not how to relate them all.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your mighty acts to all who are to come.
of your saving acts all day long—
though I know not how to relate them all.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your mighty acts to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
you who have done great things.
Who is like you, God?
20 Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.
you who have done great things.
Who is like you, God?
20 Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.
22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I whom you have delivered.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.
for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I whom you have delivered.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.
Verse 20-21: 20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.
These really spoke to me. I may not be there yet but He will heal me. He will restore me. He will bring me healing. And with that healing will come clarity. So for now I will allow my heart to heal.
Hugs...I'm so encouraged by you still trusting and knowing that God is in control. I have been trying to get to that point after losing my girl at 17weeks 2yrs ago. I felt and sometimes still feel betrayed by God. I have found it hard to pray but just reading about how you still turn to him despite going through something so difficult has encouraged me a lot and I thank you for that. As I begin to go rebuild my relationship with Him I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you and your beautiful family.
ReplyDeleteI can be honest I do not always feel this way. Nor have I maintained this outlook without fail the last 5 years. There are some hours I want to kick and curse and scream at God. I feel like He tries to whisper to me and with my broken heart I just want to say NOPE. You lied. You made me believe your hand was on this that you would protect my baby. It's hard to imagine being even further along. My heart breaks for you and for anyone else who ever has to go through anything like this. But the biggest thing I know in my heart of hearts is that though not everything seems to happen for a reason God can turn it into something beautiful if we let him. But one of the first steps is to be real. To be honest and if you feel like you need to curse at God, yell, scream kick...whatever...do it but do it knowing he brings restoration and healing by pulling that hurt and brokenness out of us. It sucks...there is def no better word for it.
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