I'm sitting here in the waiting room for my follow up visit and my whole body just feels numb.  I look around me and see signs of pregnancy or birth control everywhere.

The woman sitting across from me walked in crying and handed a black opaque bag to the receptionist with her paperwork.  And without saying a single word I know we are here for the same reason.  We both lost something so precious that can never be replaced no matter how hard we try.  I want to tell her I know exactly how she feels.  I want to tell her I understand.  But yet how can I as I sit here with a blank stare.  No emotions while inside I'm screaming and crying.  I am numb yet I feel on fire at the same time.

They've brought me back to the exam room now and I sit here trying to compose myself before I talk to the Drs.  I already know what took place so all I want is to gather myself together.  You see the tears come when I am alone.  When I feel safe.  I can hear them talking outside the door...."We got her beta results they are still high it looks like it's ectopic"  My heart leaps to my throat.  No this can't be for me.  I saw the sac.  I pushed it out just as if I where giving birth.  There wasn't anything on the ultrasound.  No I can't believe this is for me.

'knock knock' the door opens

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Beta numbers where 8317 Sunday evening.  By this morning they have dropped to the 2000's.  The conversation outside the door wasn't about me.  I feel relieved yet the floodgates open up.  I cry, they soothe as we talk about what to expect.  What the next steps are.  According the ultrasound Sunday evening after "delivering" my baby prematurely the ultrasound showed I had in a matter of two hours passed almost everything that was in my uterus.  My lining was already back almost to what it should be pre-pregnancy.  This makes sense as I have stopped bleeding already and now am only spotting.  To cover all bases we talked about everything:

~I will have on April 4th one more beta draw to make sure my pregnacy levels are back to 0
~If I don't get my period back within 6 weeks I am to call them and they will prescribe me Provera or something else to help get me back on track.
~IF we decide to try again they want me to wait one full cycle after my first period to make sure I'm regulated.
~No sex for two weeks(though neither of us are quite ready for that kind of intimacy) 
Otherwise I can go back to life as it was.  But life really never will be the same.

My mind begins to race and I begin to think I will get pregnant again!  I will take clomid and have a healthy pregnancy and have another baby.  Just to grab some sense of control over my own body.  Beat it into submission.  But control is an illusion.  And if anything you would think this would prove that.  There were no signs at all that anything was wrong till it was suddenly very wrong.

I have been pregnant 4 times.  I have one child.  I lost the others between 4/5 weeks and have never been through the heartbreak like this where I actually had to have "labor" in a way to deliver a growing child that had no way to make it into this world.  Maybe that child lost it's heartbeat already, maybe it was already gone.....the Maybe's don't heal the heart they only add to the what ifs. 

I don't know what we are going to do in the future.  And I want to allow myself time to heal to decide.  I could say I'm leaning towards this or that but to be honest it changes by the hour.  I want to just take a step back.....allow God to heal.  And to show us what direction HE wants us to go.

I keep thinking I really do serve a God of miracles.  In August of last year we had gotten pregnant on our own only to loose it before the 5 week mark but yet it happened.  So doesn't this mean that God if he actually wants us to have a child he will bring it into fruition.  Maybe it's time I let go.  Stop trying to have it in my hands and in my timing and let it be His.  Yet He led us to fertility stuff with Ezekiel.  Do I feel we where wrong doing fertility stuff this time?  No.  We had both prayed about it and both felt this was the direction God was leading us.  He has a reason this happened.  We may not know why, nor ever know but it doesn't change the fact that His ways ARE higher than ours.  I will try to rest in that. 

We are thinking of naming this child.  Though it seems slightly unfair to the other losses that didn't have a name the other losses also never made it to fetal stage.  Yet another thing we are taking time to think and pray about. 
So for now we will be still.  We will heal.  And we will see where he wants us to go.