So frustrated!

I'm only 7 days past ovulation and I'm only on cycle day 23 and I'm having spotting with heavy clots!  I have been having bad cramps the past few days so I know it has to be my period trying to come.  I'm so frustrated!  Even with the medication I can not seem to get myself to have a normal cycle that will actually give me a chance at pregnancy. 

I meet with the Dr tomorrow to discuss where we go next and to get on the same page I plan on printing her out all my medicated charts so she can see how my next flow always starts way too early regardless of the medication I'm on.  So whether I need a higher dose or just another medication I don't know.  But I will find out tomorrow.

I'm trying so hard to keep positive.  To know and believe that God has everything in His control.  But I'm so incredibly frustrated.  I just want to cry.  I hope I feel better tomorrow when I meet with the Dr.

Why is this so hard.  Why can't my body just do what it's supposed to when it's supposed to.  7 days after ovulating and a week early for my period is just ridiculous.  I want to scream and throw a temper tantrum but I know this wont do any good. 

I keep thinking back to when I got pregnant.  I was on vacation relaxing, laying around all day pretty much doing nothing but swimming and eating.  Is that what it takes?  What if my job(being on my feet all day and constantly moving) could be preventing me from getting pregnant.  I know it's not the reason but I feel like I need something or someone to blame.  I just want to be a Mom.  I want to experience the joys of carrying a baby. 

Again I am reminded how broken I am.  How lost I feel.   I hope tomorrow I'll get some answers that will guide my path.  

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. Psalm 51:17

Thank you Lord that I can come to you with honesty.  I can come to you and pour out my heart.  God I am so sick and tired of this journey.  I'm tired of being poked and prodded like an animal in order to move forward.  I'm tired of feeling like Isaac and I are missing out.  God, yes he is enough for me and children are just an added blessing to that mix.  But I want to be able to experience that now!  God I want so badly to be able to see that you remember us.  I feel my chemical pregnancy was just a false hope now.  An inkling of hey here you are, nope just kidding.  God guide us in the direction you want us to go but I ask that you would help my heart to be okay with the direction you send me in.  I may not like this path you have called me to but I want to make the most of it while I'm here.  Guide me Lord I pray.  ~Amen~