Resigned

Today I have just felt surrounded in a dismal stormy cloud.  It was so hard to break through.  I kept getting fits where all I wanted to do was cry.  I just felt lost.  I still do.  I feel like I'm looking at my life and this situation and all I want to do is cry out to God, curse life and it's hardships, curse my flesh that gives into these emotions.

It was so hard to keep that fake smile plastered to my face all day as I talked with my clients.  It really goes to show you never know what someone is going through.  

It's hard to resign myself to the thought that if this new medication doesn't work then there goes my chance of any more fertility treatments.  I won't say that I will not ever get pregnant because I do not believe that.  I still believe the report of God that it will happen but it will take a miracle to get me there.  It's hard to believe and hope for those positive things when all you can see is the dark gray stormy clouds.

I kept having the scripture from John 12:24 coming into my mind today:

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives.

That Kernel of wheat in a way is my dream to motherhood.  My dream of experiencing the joys of pregnancy.  I used to always say with a smile on my face we will just adopt and it was so easy but now I'm afraid this journey is trying to even rob that joy from me.  I want to adopt, I've always wanted to adopt yet I didn't want it to be an alternative for us or a fall back plan.  I wanted our child to feel 100% loved and accepted and chosen not out of desperation for having a family but out of love.  That is why I always wanted to have our own first and then add to it through adoption.  I know that the act of adoption itself does show the child that they are loved.  I just keep having these random thoughts that don't make much sense running through my mind.

I want the joy of the Lord back even in the midst of this.  I don't want these next three months to be a countdown of misery.  I want to make the most of every situation.

Right now I just don't know how.  I know that He sees it all.  And His plans are always so much bigger than my own.  So for now I will try to rest in that and remember that we are exactly where God wants that to be...even if it's not where I want us to be. 

On the physical note:
My spotting got heavier today to a point I felt I was in full flow(heavy bleeding with clots) but then it broke down to just spotting again.  So I now know it is definitely my period trying to break through.  I called the nurse line to see if I can go ahead and just stop the progesterone then since this on and off heavy bleeding is going beyond spotting and I feel its going to make it hard to pinpoint when my actual cycle day 1 should be.  So right now I'm just waiting for the call back.  I didn't take the progesterone tonight since I'm still bleeding off and on and feel it's pointless...but I did take my dose this morning.  So we will see what they say. 


God you see my heart.  You see the brokenness and frustrations.  You see my desperation.  God you are a God of miracles and I chose to believe the report of the Lord.  I have seen miracles performed and I know they exist and so I ask God, I beg and plead give me a miracle!