A meshing of the past few days emotions

I feel like today I'm going to be posting kind of a mesh of how I have felt over the past few days.  This morning I woke up really emotional.  I called the medicaid office to see about the status of getting my application approved and was told my case worker still has 3 more days to finish everything.  I asked what happens if they don't finish everything, I was told I may have to re-apply.  I almost started crying.  I had called my caseworker last week to try and get an update but never heard back then I had called again today and left another message.  I hate having my future in someone else hands.  If I have to reapply then they get another 30 days to wait.  I was told that either way by the end of the week I would receive something in the mail either denying me, informing me they don't have everything they need, or approval.  I absolutely hate this. 

Ezekiel is due in just 15 weeks.  That sounds just so incredibly close.  It is incredibly close.  I can feel him getting stronger in the womb every single day and that makes me incredibly happy/blessed.  I spent a few hours yesterday washing, folding and putting away all the baby boy clothes I received from my neighbor for him.  I'm so grateful that I will not have to go out and buy any clothes.  She blessed me way beyond what I could have imagined.  All the clothes barely fit in the dresser. 

Isaac has been getting call after call from head hunter's for jobs which is fantastic, but no interview stuff yet.  We are fine, we can pay our bills and still have some left over for other things, which is more than I could ever ask for but when maternity leave comes we will begin to drain our savings account.  So right now I've been trying to just put as much in there as possible and get things prepared for when that time comes.  I hate the uncertainty.  But I know that God is in control.  Yesterday I was looking for something to try and put my heart at peace and found Psalm 91 helpful:

1Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^a

2I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

3Surely he will save you

from the fowler’s snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

4He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

6nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

8You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.

9If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”

and you make the Most High your dwelling,

10no harm will overtake you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

11For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

12they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13You will tread on the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14“Because he^b loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15He will call on me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.

16With long life I will satisfy him

and show him my salvation.”

 As much as I know that God is in control I need to remember that God He is undeniably in control.  There is a difference between knowing it and really letting it live out in you.  I know that nothing can separate us from the love of God.  He sees every worry and every fear.  He sees it all.  I just want my heart to open and believe it with joy. 

Father I feel weighed down today.  I know my circumstances have not changed from yesterday to today but my heart feels heavy.  Maybe I'm just having one of those gloomy pregnancy day's I don't know but I do know that You are bigger.  You always cause things to work out for our benefit.  Lord I just ask that you would guide us.  That you would direct us.  Open doors for Isaac that you want open.  Close doors for us that you want closed.  Jesus I cry out to you.  Help me Lord to seek you first in all things.  In your Holy Name.  ~Amen

The other night I was deliriously tired and it showed.  A little back ground, My sciatica has been getting pretty bad at night.  The heavier he gets the worse it gets.  Depending on whatever side I'm sleeping on he tends to nestle directly on my sciatica and I'll wake up in 1-2 hour sleep intervals and I'll wake up in pain/numb from the hip down have to roll over or get up and walk around/stretch to make it go away. But as soon as Ezekiel would shift It would be fine.  Even with my pregnancy pillow I can have a really hard time finding a comfy spot. So  the other night I was so tired and delirious because I had been wrestling all night with trying to sleep/get comfy. 

Well at one point in time last night in a dead sleep I kicked Isaac so hard that it woke me and him up. He thinks I'm still sleeping so he's trying really hard not to be loud but I hear him holding his leg and saying OOOOOOOW so of course I apologize. I have no idea what I was dreaming about that would make me kick him. I didn't fall off a cliff or anything I was dreaming we were going through his comic book collection. "Don't worry about it sweet heart it's okay." So then just as we are about to nod back off to sleep I unbeknownst to me start singing out loud what I thought was the super man theme song.....I didn't even realize I was doing it till I see Isaac sit up and just stare at me and he's trying to tell if my eyes are open and I'm awake and still singing. I then of course start laughing because I didn't even realize I was singing. So I try to explain that I was falling back asleep and right before I had woken up in my dream we were looking at his comic books so I guess I got the superman theme song stuck in my head. Well he then informed me that was most definitely not the super man theme song and re sang what I was doing...and I yeah I was just basically yelling out a bunch of sounds after each other really loudly(which I remember doing but since I was in my delirious state it sounded so real to me)