When I am weak

When I am weak......He is strong

When I don't know where to go......He leads the way

When I feel lost......He declares I am found

When I am hurting......He is healing

Weak: Right now I have to say I feel a little of all those things.  I feel weak as in I am definitely giving into my emotions, fear and doubt much more than I normally would.  I know in part this is because of the pregnancy hormones.  But I also know that it's the devils job to try and make me feel weak.  To make me feel in superior.  

2 Corinthians 12:9 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."  

 His power is perfected in my weakness.  He is constantly molding and shaping me into the woman of God He would desire for me to be.  God I ask that you would help me to remain teachable during this time of my life.  

Unsure where to go: As to not knowing where to go.  For those of you who know me or have gotten to know me through this blog I am a planner.  I always like to have everything planned out worked out and set into a certain order of how things should pan out.  But in this situation we are in that is not an option.  I have no idea what the future holds and all I can do is take things day by day.  And I'll be quite honest I hate that.  Some might find freedom in that.  In really taking on the scripture: 

Mathew 6: 34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I'm not going to say I'm a worrier by nature because I normally see the glass as half full.  But it helps that there is normally always a plan B laying in wait beside us in case something doesn't pan out.  But I never knew this would or could happen.  We never saw it coming so I'll be honest there was no plan B with Isaac being out of work.  And part of me kicks myself for taking our situation for granite?  For not thinking of a plan B.  For having all my eggs in one basket.  But I  know there isn't anything I can do about it so onward I go.  Trying my best to press on and make the best out of every rough situation.

Lost:  I think this can coincide with the previous one.  I don't even know what to think anymore.  Is this God's way of telling us that He wants us someplace else?  Is this God's way of trying to change our previous plans?  I think that pretty much sums it up.  But the scripture that can bring me comfort is:  

Psalm 23:2-4 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  

Hurting: I think we all know where this comes from.  It comes from the grief I feel over my youngest brother's recent suicide.  My other family members current struggles that I so wish I could help but I can not.  The grief can sometimes feel crippling.  And it can come out of no where.  Every time I used to change my hair color he was always the first person I would text since he always appreciated my artistic style.  So now anytime I do my color it can set off a wave a emotions and grief as I reach for the phone wanting to text him and realizing his number is no longer in there.  I had to delete it since it hurt whenever I scrolled through my contacts and found him there.  Knowing if I text him I will never get an answer.  I know he is no longer hurting.  I know he is no longer in pain.  

I was talking to my Mom about this the other day.  It seemed this type of death was in him since he was very little.  You seem to forget things from your childhood till one day something happens that will bring them back up.  When Nathan and I were very young.  He was maybe just 4 years old we would be playing with his toys but if I wanted to go play outside or go play with my other siblings he would start screaming and crying that he was going to kill himself if I left.  And he would say how he would do it...and it was the way he did it in the end.  I find it so hard to remember that beautiful little 4 year old boy saying those things....and in time you forget they every happened until something brings them all up.  I guess in part it carries a little guilt with it....now I know I'm not responsible.  But did I need to start taking those threats from a little 4 year old seriously back then?  If we did would it have made a difference?  Would he still be here?  In my brokenness and my hurting God is healing. 

Psalm 147:3  "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

 So for now I will continue to try to take things day by day.  God I have no idea what the future has in store for us.  But I pray that you would open the doors you want open for us and close  those you want closed.  I pray for wisdom when it comes to things such as our work schedules if Isaac hasn't started working and when he does and just being good stewards in general over what you have given us.  I thank you that you are indeed in control of every situation even if I can't see how.  I ask for you help and your favor Lord.  ~Amen