It doesn't go away

The hurt, the loss of a loved one.  The disappointment of losing a dream.  It hurts.  There is a certain week at the end of April that is going to be a very hard one.  April 25th was the due date for our miscarriage we had back in August.  Then on April 26th my family down in Louisiana is going to celebrate with a crawfish boil Nathan's birthday(the 27th).  The last thing we all did as a family together was have a crawfish boil...though this was a couple years ago now. 

I know I got a few new readers the past month so in case you didn't go back and read.  My youngest brother Nathan, who was only 21 committed suicide early morning on November 1st.  Just a few hours after I had talked to him, told him about the little miracle we were expecting.  Shared the ultrasound pictures.  And he raved on how excited for us he was, how he is so excited to be an Uncle.  How he loves us and then he said Devin I mean this I'm so glad your my sister.  When I said thank you he reiterated.  No I mean it I thank God so much for putting you in my life.  I love you so much.  Then a few hours later he was gone.  It's hard.  It's so hard.  And that grief doesn't go away....you learn to bury it, to survive and live on but it doesn't go away. 

So you keep on trucking on, because life doesn't stop just because your mourning.  We may have lost our first baby but we were blessed just a few months later with this beautiful miracle who is on his way.  The promise that God gave us so long ago.....You will have a son and you will name him Ezekiel.  I don't know why God didn't let that first pregnancy continue...or why things worked out the way they did.  But what I do know is his faithfulness.  Despite how hard, how broken and how ugly things can appear.  He is there.  ALWAYS.  He is there and brought us to victory.  I just remember in the ultrasound room for our anatomy scan as soon as she said its a boy I just felt the spirit of God rest on me with peace and that still small voice that said: "This is the promise I gave you so many years ago"  And since then the promise that his hand is on this pregnancy and nothing can take it away from us.  Ezekiel will be born healthy and whole and grow up to be the man of God that He intended from the beginning. 

Our little boy is on his way and despite everything satan has tried to throw at us to end this pregnancy, ruin our happiness and joy we will not let it.  I am blessed.  Despite everything we have gone through in the past couple months.  I am blessed.  He is faithful and always there. 

I think that's kind of all I want to say.  And I will just take things one day at a time.  And when that gets to be too much just one second at a time.  Step by step.