Stealing My Joy

I feel like satan is trying everything in his power to steal my joy from this pregnancy and life in general.  I am so stressed I just have been breaking down in tears constantly today.

I called today to see about the status of my health care because I was told on this past Monday they had 3 more days on my application,even though they received everything on February 9th and they only get 30 days to process it, so okay whatever 3 days isn't bad.  Well I call today and am told they still have a week and a half,  I was speaking to the same man I spoke to on Monday of this week and he had told me I would hear back by the end of the week.  SO I went back in time?  I kept asking him to look up the date I submitted things and it finally did and said he could see that it was all submitted on 2/9/2015.  Okay....so its been over 30 days right?  He said Well yes but it still shows they have 6 days. He said there isn't anything he could do all he could do was tell my what the computer was saying. So I asked if there was anyone else I could speak to because I had called my caseworker 3 times and her supervisor and had not heard ANYTHING back! He then told me they transferred me to a different caseworker back on 2/17/2015, though On Monday, just 5 days ago I had asked to double check that I was calling the correct case worker and supervisor because I was not getting any response back.  And on Monday I was told I had the same old caseworker......So I asked to be transferred to my actual caseworker and I actually got a live person! And he finally looked at my stuff and said he has about 2600 applications he is working on and currently, because he works in order he was on people who's application had been in for 80 days that I was at the back of the list. So I start bawling on the phone, I was trying to calmly explain my situation through the tears, and it didn't go so well.  I told him that If I have to wait that long I wont have any insurance when the baby comes and my hospital said they can only bill back 3 months.  And already for my thyroid labs I have to get them done every 6 weeks its $300 a piece and they require payment at the time of the draw and the Hospital midwife visits are every 4 weeks now but beginning in April are supposed to be every 2-3.
He was very kind but I could tell he was really wishing I wasn't sobbing into his ear.  So he told me he was going to bump me up to the front of the list and will do my application for my by 2/20/15 but because its been so long he needs my new pay stubs and Isaac's unemployment will count as additional income.  And even though it's not a lot of a big difference I started working more hours and got a small bonus in my paycheck and so forth so it looks like I'm still making more then I was, and even though it isn't a lot, it bumps us up into a new bracket  and he told me we might not get approved. I don't know what to do! Any type of healthcare I get for myself is going to end up costing me so much money a month because I'm pregnant if I can even find someone to accept me in time for the baby to come.  I just can't stop crying.  I don't know what we can afford.  We got the paper work on Cobra health insurance, that we had through Isaac's job but its $1400 a month and we can't afford that obviously I'm trying to remain calm but it's not working very well.
My caseworker was really really nice and sounded like he was going to try his hardest to make sure that all the t's are crossed and all the I's dotted.  And he is going to try to get us approved as well as he can but ultimately it's not up to him.  In total we are a few hundred dollars over what they normally approve after taxes but he said they have to go based on gross which puts us at about $500 a month over what they normally approve so it can go either way. So it made me feel better knowing he cared but at the same time, it's not in his hands if I get approved or not. Its just a matter of if they decide we are over the limit and take into account that I am pregnant.  I know in the end it's just money and if we have to pay cash for Ezekiels birth we can make the hospital payments little by little, even if it is just $50 a month. 

Currently with Isaac's unemployment and my paychecks we pay our bills and have just a few hundred left over for groceries for the month.  So it's actually perfect.  We are getting by without having to worry but if we have to pay for the healthcare out of pocket........I have no idea how we are going to do it.  Most won't want to insure me because I am pregnant.

Isaac had an interview today which went really well and he has three set up for next week.  So this is all really good and promising but at the same time so stressful. 

I know God has laid his hand on this pregnancy and told satan he can no longer attempt to take my baby.  I felt it when we went to the gender ultrasound He spoke to me saying "This is what I promised you so long ago."  Then with my bleeding scare a few weeks ago I felt His peace rest on me again and say I have my hand on Ezekiel nothing is going to happen.  Too many times satan has tried to terminate or hinder this pregnancy in some way.  Causing any stress he can.  And I know that it's because he is scared of what our little boy is going to end up becoming.  He is going to be an amazing man of God and a prophet to the nations.  All those things God promised me so long ago that I have written in my journals from 2005. 

So now that he can't get Ezekiel it's like he has decided to try and steal our joy in as many ways as possible.  And I want to say I wont let him.  I want to say that he can't take anything from me that I don't allow him to have.  And I know it's true.  This past Sunday while I was at Church I was journaling and taking notes on some scriptures and I felt God just speak to me so I wrote it down.  He said that He has proven His provision and that He will continue to provide.  That some hardships and frustrations where down the road but to trust Him and know that He would provide.  I'm trying so hard.  At the time I didn't understand it as we had heard back from the school loan people about possibly lowering Isaac's interest.  Then Isaac has all these interviews everything just seemed to be falling into place which was/is awesome.  But now I understand better.  I made myself sick with worry today.  I had so much trouble keeping a smile on my face and even now I have tears in my eyes and falling down my face.  I know in my heart of hearts that it will all work out and it will be AMAZING how it does work out.  But it's like I'm surrounded by crashing waves and don't know what to do.  I have to protect this little guy.  I don't want anything to steal my joy of his coming or his birth.  But it's so hard and scary to look on the future having no idea what is in store.  I know it's just a fleeting moment and I know after this prayer session I will feel better and be able to move forward.

But here is my determination:

God Brought us here, He finally gave us victory over infertility and is bringing into our lives the beautiful little boy whom we love and have loved even before he has arrived.

This pregnancy is a blessing.  No matter how stressful it has been.  No matter everything I've had to deal with as it is here.  This pregnancy is something to rejoice in every day.  To smile with the little kicks and punches.  To look forward with joy and anticipation the day he arrives not stress and worry.

God has provided in the past and he will continue to provide.  There is no ifs ands or buts about it.  

I will enjoy the birth of my son.  Insurance or no insurance I will not allow the cares and frustrations of money, something that is here today and then gone tomorrow to come in and tear down my joy.

I will not allow this added stress or pressure to affect my marriage.  I am blessed to be married to an amazing man who loves and encourages me in everything that I do.  I am so very blessed that Ezekiel will have a father who strives as hard as he possibly can to  get to a place of provision for his family.  

I am blessed.....that really is all there is to it.  So regardless of the situation and regardless of the circumstances I will stand and believe in God's provision.  I will believe in God's whisper that He gave me on Sunday.  He warned me this storm was coming and I will not let it sink me.

God I can not control my emotions.  I feel at a loss but I feel the determination in my heart.  I feel the determination in my soul that you will provide for us.  You will bless us beyond what we could bear.  We thank you for that Lord.  I thank you  that even now in the midst of the storm I rejoice in your victory to come.  You will succeed.  You will prove that you are bigger than everything that would try and come against us.  I just ask for your wisdom and understanding Father.  In Your Holy name I ask that you would guard my heart for me when I don't know how.  Take away my fear and worry.  Take it all.  I don't want it therefore it has no hold on me.  I thank you Father in Jesus name.  ~Amen.