So much Grief

My heart feels broken into a million different pieces.  I got the news yesterday that my youngest brother who I am very closed to committed suicide.  We had just talked via text earlier that day. I had sent him a picture of the ultrasound and told him we got to hear the heartbeat.  He said that's amazing Devin!  I'm so happy for you.  I said thank you and his last text to me was: Its nothing Devin.  I love you so much I'm so happy God chose you to be my sister, thank you. 

But we had been getting other group texts from the siblings with his responses through the day too.  Since it was Halloween people were going to parties he was laughing at some of the costume ideas.  It just doesn't make any sense.  There is an investigation taking place to see if it is possible it was foul play.  Especially from the way he was found.  None of it makes any sense.  If it was suicide the only thing I can think of is maybe he took some kind of drug and started hallucinating and tripped out or something.  Anything to make this make sense. 

Part of me prays that he was on something because this just wasn't my brother.  Not the way they found him.  He had struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies in the past.  But this..... never anything this brutal or violent. 

I just do not even have words.  I can't stop myself from crying and aching and hurting all over.  All I want to do is go back two days ago when he was alive and happy and well. 

I don't think I'll ever understand.  But from you readers I'm asking for prayers: prayers of strength for me and my child.  Prayers for my family as we grieve the loss of one we loved so dearly.