Lost Along The Way

Somewhere in this journey I got lost.  I started to feel like a victim, and to see myself that way.  I lost a lot of self esteem because I felt broken and incomplete.  I began to take out my frustrations in other ways: mistrust in others, negativity, pessimism, ect;   But this isn't me.  This isn't who I want to be. 

I married my best friend 5 years ago and to this day he is still my best friend, and he is enough.  Everything else that comes along in life is just a bonus.  Ive been so focused on myself during this time: how I feel, how things are hurting or bothering me, how Isaac is always there for me, what comes next, my body, my this my that... I kind of lost sight that I'm not walking this journey alone.  I may be carrying the weight.  But I'm not alone.  My husband needs as much love and support as I do on this stuff.  He is always strong for me but I need to be strong for him.  I need to stop throwing myself little pitty parties and get up and move on.  Am I having a hard time getting pregnant?  Yes, but so what.  I am married to the love of my life and get to come home every day to a happy peaceful place.  I am blessed.  I am so blessed.

Somewhere in this journey of losing myself I feel I lost part of my identity.  I use to always see the positive and immediately correspond any negative even from my own lips with a positive.  Now don't get me wrong I don't want to live naively I know that some negatives are just straight poop with nothing beautiful about them.  But I want to view the world for what it truly is.  God hasn't wiped us off the face of the earth despite how corrupt we have become because there is hope for change.  There is beauty even in the darkest places and I want to see it.

Heavenly Father you have blessed me with more than I could ever ask or think of for myself.  I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, all that I need and more.  I thank you for that.  I ask that you would guide me.  Help me to love like you love.  Help me to see all situations as you do through your eyes.  Thank you Lord.  ~Amen

This isn't going to be an easy overnight change.  I'm changing my whole way of thinking and responding.  I've had over 2 years to get myself into this state but I know with His help I can change.  I have the joy of the Lord to guide me every day....even in the darkest times He is there.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. Psalm 5:11

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:4

This God–his way is perfect;the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30

I will not allow this journey to steal who I am.  I will learn from it and grow from it.  The Bible warns us what can happen if we don't:

It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
 Proverbs 21:9

I never want my house to become like this.   I want only His love going forward.  I see the light at the end of the path.  I just have to get there.