What Does Infertility Look Like To Me?

What does infertility look like to me?

Infertility is avoiding eye contact with visibly showing pregnant women.  Or pretending to be busy when you walk through the baby isle at the store.  Infertility is pretending you don't even see children when you are around them.  Or passing on holding your friends baby when everyone is taking a turn.  Not because you do not like children, or because you are annoyed, or because you never want them for yourself.  But because by looking at them that pain inside feels unbearable.  Already on a daily basis you are reminded of what you do not have and seeing those laughing, smiling, beautiful faces it just tears that little whole in you even bigger.  Infertility is a battle.  One that is fought daily.  It occupies every thought and every waking moment.  You can occupy yourself and you can get busy.  You can feel accomplished and positive and happy but in the end when you wake up the next morning you feel it.  You feel that horrible pain.  That emptiness.

This is my 100th entry on my blog.  We have hit over 2 years of trying to even start this journey and boy it has been so hard.  There have been moments of victory and moments of just pure sadness and desperation.  On this entry I want to dig deep.  I think it is important for me to share the positives that have come out of this horrible struggle.  I will tell you I do not see myself as a victim in anything you are about to read.  I see myself as a survivor and a conqueror.  And I think that is the most important thing. 

Through this journey I have been blessed with an amazing partner, my husband Isaac.  He has held me when I needed to cry.  Stood by me as we made tough decisions.  And rooted me on every step of the way.  When I feel broken He has been there to tell me that he doesn't see someone who is broken.  But he sees a champion.  Someone who is worth fighting for and with in this horrible battle.  I thank God every day for giving me such an amazing husband.  For blessing me with someone who despite where this journey does take us I am honored to spend the rest of my life.

Through this journey I have experience healing.  Both in a physical sense and an emotional one.  To start with the physical: just the fact that since I can remember I have always had long  painful periods(11-14 days) and since doing the treatments it seems like that is falling into place in a "normal fashion".  I've been able to get my thyroid in order, something that I didn't even realize just how much it was effecting my life until it was where it was suppose to be and I felt so much better.

I've been healed emotionally.  I am about to open up here and I want to reiterate I do not see myself as a victim and if it can help others I want to share.  Here is the back story:

When I was a baby(under the age of 3) I was sexually abused while under the care of my biological mother.  It was something that I had blocked out until my younger teenage years it all came pouring back in.  Then and now I now can remember things.  But even as the memories came back I never said anything.  It wasn't until about a year ago that I started experiencing true healing.  I knew I needed to forgive, not just the person who did it but my mother who was in the place as protector.(Back story-My parents divorced when I was very young and my Father received full custody due to the things that took place with my biological mom such as drug abuse, alcoholism and the following.  I have only seen my biological mother 3 times since I was 3 years old and we talk occasionally on the phone every couple months) About a year ago I went back home to visit my parents(My Dad and Step Mom who got married when I was about 4) and I decided that this was going to be a trip of healing.  When I went to my parents(Dad and step Mom) I told them what I remembered and asked if they knew about it.   I was told that they had suspected something had happened and they had put me in "play therapy" since I was so little the therapist had recommended them not telling me about it as I grew older.  That being as I was so young that I may not remember the incident at all but that it was also possible with time it would come back.  And for me that was the case.  I did not remember specifics growing up just certain black/blurry memories that through time had become clearer.  During this journey of infertility God has been able to bring healing to me.  How?  Well that is where it gets a little deeper.   I had blame, hatred and unforgiveness towards my biological Mom for ever letting something like that happen to me when I was suppose to be in her care.  I had fears where I use to be so afraid of having a daughter of my own because I would never want the same thing to happen to her that happened to me.  Despite knowing it is the situations you put your kids in, and knowing I can control those situations the thought of having a daughter scared me beyond belief.  But not anymore.  I have been able to forgive both my biological mother and the offender.  I know if that person was standing in front of me I would be able to say with all my heart that I forgive them.  This is not the same thing as saying I do not wish they suffer the consequences....In fact I wish they were put in jail for the rest of their lives (not out of anger but of discipline)  You don't take something that is so pure and innocent and violate that. It's disgusting and perverted.  That being said such a release comes with forgiveness.  And I want to use my healing to make a difference.  I want to be able to take in all those children who have been rejected and broken and show them unconditional love(adoption).  I know no matter what child we end up having on our own whether boy or girl I will love beyond belief and will keep safe to the best of my ability.  There is such freedom in forgiveness.  

I know this is getting a lot deeper than what you readers are use to but I feel it is important to share.  Through this journey healing of forgiveness was brought fourth.  I was able to forgive, to love and to trust and even hope again.  Healing in this situation has taken place mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Through this time I have grown closer to my heavenly Father.  I have realized that despite everything He is always there and always with me.  He sees the big picture and no matter how much I kick and scream and throw a temper tantrum I know His timing is perfect and far better than my own.

Don't get me wrong I wish this was a struggle I never have had to deal with but I've learned a lot of valuable lessons along the way.  He has proven that He sees me and loves me for who I am.  That He created me perfect.  Even my imperfections are part of what makes me perfect in His eyes.

I have learned to cherish the little things.  And that He will always guide my steps in the right direction.  I am so incredibly grateful for those constant reminders.

So for you readers this is my 100th entry and hopefully I don't have a lot more I have to go before I reach the next chapter on this journey to motherhood. 

But I just pray for His grace and peace to guide me no matter how long the rest of this current chapter takes.