My Own Emptiness

Warning this post is probably going to not be as fluid as some as I just let my thoughts pour out:

This morning I woke up and started getting ready for Church and realized what I really need is the house to myself, worship music and some deep alone time with my King.  I need to open myself up and let all the ugly out.  So I asked Isaac if he would mind leaving the house for an hour or two so I could have some alone time to just put on worship music and be truly refreshed.  To heal myself a little and to just to take myself away from everything on my own. 

Lately I've just been pouring out into everyone else and not feeling like I was getting filled myself in any way what so ever.  I've had my own grief that has for some reason become very strong lately when it hits with Nathan being gone.  Then the worry for my siblings and my parents who are also suffering from the same grief.  For two of my brother's who are suffering from severe depression right now.  One of whom confided in me that he has to fight every day to keep on living and has been in the past and is still suffering from suicidal thoughts and temptations.  He had told me he see's the world as complete darkness unless he is on his medication, but even then there are days he wants nature to take over and my heart breaks for him.  Even if we don't talk all the time or constantly he is always on my mind.  Then the other brother who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression and more who just told me last night that him and his wife whom I love so much have separated this week.  It's so much and so sad.  I try to encourage everyone in any way that I can.  But I have to be honest sometimes all I want to do is crawl under a rock and tell people to go away.  I want to be free of the burden of others.

  I sometimes wonder if this is what God ever feels like.  Does his heart break anew every day at some one else's suffering?  I can only imagine He desires some days for us to just stop with the petitions and just praise him in the storm.  To proclaim His goodness and His mercy and grace even when we can't possibly see it.  To do it through faith alone because we KNOW it to be true even if we can't see how.  I know to some of you that makes no sense.  How can their even be a loving God when there is just so much brokenness out there.  But there is.  And we have been the ones to create that brokenness.  Not Him. 

So Isaac has left the house and I'm here to listen to worship music and just  attempting to zone out.  Let myself be refreshed.  It's almost like I don't even know how to start again.  How do I get refreshed?  How do I allow myself to be poured into? Part of me just wants to constantly break down and cry lately.  But not right now.  It's like suddenly now that I am alone I don't know what to do.  With all the issues that I am hearing about some times I want to just cry and scream yet other times I want to shout from the mountain tops that we will overcome this!  That this will not beat me.  It will not beat my family.  I won't let it. 

But right now I feel like the fight is gone.  I just want to be refreshed.

I am still not concerned with our provision or Isaac not hearing back from anyone yet.  It's only been a few weeks and I know that God is going to guide us in the right direction. 

So for now I'm going to log off, go play my worship music and really just let myself be refreshed.  To let my empty tank be filled so I can continue to be a blessing to others.  And I can continue to move forward in a Christ like way.