Sinking

I wish I could go back in time and see your face just one more time.  I wish I could hear your voice talking to me and having a heart to heart conversation.  I miss you so much little brother.  Sometimes it feels like I'm dying on the inside.  I know I have so much to look forward to and you said to love my life but in these dark moments you just have to wonder how. 

Yesterday as emotions of everything hit me I felt like a sinking ship.  I just couldn't keep my head above water anymore.  This past year was incredibly hard for us.  We dealt with infertility, treatments not working, a miscarriage.  Then when we finally got this sticky little baby only a few weeks in and mere hours after talking to my little brother on the phone about it.  He commits suicide.  I then end up in the hospital only a few days later with severe bleeding and find out I have a subchorionic hemorrhage.  Then almost 11 weeks later we find that it has finally cleared up and my restrictions are lifted.  Baby is healthy and growing.  It's a little boy.  We are thrilled, beyond thrilled.  And a few weeks later Isaac(my husband) looses his job.  Part of me just looks back and wants to scream.  I was praying and hoping for a smooth rest of the pregnancy.  Just no stress, no worry just peace.  Seems I don't get that wish.

Now it's a whole new set of worries and fears.  What if Isaac gets a job RIGHT when it's time for the baby to come will his new bosses fight him on leaving work if/when I go into labor and he can't be there.  What if He doesn't find something by then, will I be able to take the 12 weeks off and really enjoy it?  Or will I stress the whole time about how things are going to work out once we get here.  How will everything fall together? 

I know in my heart of hearts that God is in control.  I have peace deep down that I'm not sure where it is coming from.  But I know it is all going to work out for the better.  It's a stillness not being touched by the hardships and trials.  Maybe it's from my previous faith since I know how in control God always is. 

But I also just feel numb.  This year has been so hard, I'm still dealing with all the emotions of loss and hurt and now this.  But then I remembered something.  I prayed and I prayed and I begged God to let me experience the miracle of pregnancy.  And every little kick, every jump that I feel inside my womb is a blessing.  A year ago I questioned if I would ever be able to experience this blessing.  And now I do.  And the timing is beautiful.  It will help me get through Nathan's birthday in April.  It will help me get through our old due date with our first pregnancy also in April. 

Even though it never got past 5 weeks that was still our baby, that was still our loss.  And I still felt so hopeless.  It was still joy stolen.  

God I can look at all the hardships and just scream.  I can play a victim or I can be a conqueror.  I want to be a conqueror.  I just ask for favor for Isaac as he looks for work.  That you would bring us where You want us to be.  Help us to not doubt.  To not waiver.  To hold fast and strong.  Slow and steady win the race.  We praise you Lord.  ~Amen.