Last night before I had gone to bed I was so sure my period was going to show up. Right before bed I had bright red spotting when I wiped so I went to bed expecting my period by the morning. But I woke up and nothing except the same dark brown and occasional pink/red sporadic spotting. So I know my period has to be on it's way.
But Oh today was NOT pretty. I have been such an emotional wreck all day. At work I was just emotional.....yet I work with the public so I have to put on a happy face. My boss who I love dearly(and no that isn't sarcasm) knows about everything I've been going through. She has shown me so much support and is just constantly there to listen if I need her to. She has two children on her own and has told me she is saving all her baby things for us for when the time comes. She's just all around awesome. Well it all started when she pulled me aside and said "Are you pregnant? You just don't seem like yourself today somethings off." Well I just started crying and told her I started my period today(since I was pretty positive it would start and still right this moment I still do by the end of the night-with all the cramps I'm having and the spotting throughout the past few days I don't think any other option is available.) I then was suppose to be going on my lunch break so I decided to go to go to Target to keep myself busy since I had tried to sit down and eat and I just kept tearing up and crying. So I go to get dog food for my dog I'm in line and the woman in front of me turns around and boom(big pregnant belly-though you couldn't tell at all from the back). Yeah I lost it. I started crying right there in the line at Target. I actually had to cover my face and pretend I needed to sneeze and was trying to keep it at bay to try and collect myself.
So then I got home and tried to tell Isaac about how emotional the day was and I just couldn't get the words out all I could do was cry. I just want to cry my eyes out right now.
I told him I'm broken and he kept saying your not broken. I know he was trying to be supportive but only women going through this will understand that feeling. You know you are broken. You know that no matter what even if medication can make you "work" you know its not you. If you stop that medication your body will go right back to it's rebellious state where it fights against you in everything.
In just two weeks we will hit the two year mark of trying to start a family. In these two years we have never even had one single positive. Not even a little grasp.
When my period comes I will press on. I will call and set up that cycle day 2/3 appointment I will go in and let them poke around in me yet again. Sometimes I feel like a lab rat being examined under a microscope with scientists trying to figure out how to send me down the correct hallway of a maze.
I really hope I feel better tomorrow. I had to listen to the song from yesterday's post again for myself. I just have a hard time letting it go but I know I need to.
I just say a silent prayer I do better tomorrow.
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