The waterfall of Emotions

This morning I woke up and knew I needed some deep meditation today.  I can't allow myself to feel today like I felt all day yesterday.  Every person I saw who smiled, every laugh and every story were like nails on a chalk board to me.  But I don't know why.  I'm not miserable.  In my own life I'm excited about possibly having a chance this month.  My sister comes into town in just 2 days and I have time off to spend with her.  I have a lot to be happy about.  So what is it?  Whatever it is it's not okay.

It's so easy when on this journey to let just one little thing trickle into something bigger.  Almost like a single rain drop falling into a stream whether you notice the immediate change or not adds more water.  So so many little things that work together can seem to work against you.

I don't want to allow emotions to control me or control how I react.  Emotions are just that: feelings.  It doesn't mean I can not feel them.  In fact I don't think anyone can actually control the way they feel, only how they react to the feeling.  I think we can push it aside and ignore the feelings we are uncomfortable with or unhappy with.  But either way it doesn't make them disappear.

Yesterday and today I took home pregnancy tests.  I learned that you can actually test every day and watch the trigger disappear from your system so that when the time comes to actually test you know if you have a legit positive or not. So both days I have a extremely tiny line in the positive but it doesn't show up till the test is past the time frame and it looks like and evaporation line.  So I'll test one more time tomorrow and if its still just as light I'll know that come around the 21st I'll be able to do an actual pregnancy test and get accurate results.  Which makes me happy since I would rather know then have it confirmed than question it. 

God open my eyes to know when I'm just being ridiculous with my emotions.  Help me in everything that I do to reflect how you would act in that situation.  I know that with this entire journey it gets so hard to be that reflection.  You feel worn down from emotions angry at the injustice and even angry at God for putting you through this.  I want to badly to light the way to others in His direction.  I keep thinking of Psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

² He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
³ He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
⁵ Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

I know I've talked about the relevance of each of those verses in past posts but sometimes you need to hear things again.  He leads me beside still waters.  He will restore my soul.  When I feel like I just can not take it anymore(which I often do).  He takes me through the valley where every trial imaginable can be yet He leads me through it.  I don't have to be afraid.  No door that He has opened can be closed.  

I just need to meditate on this.