I didn't even care I was getting wet when I walked out of work tonight and the rain was starting. I felt like the sky was crying with me. My heart was just aching today. And an inner rage was storming through me.
I tried to hide behind statistics and medical terms but when it comes down to it I lost the baby I was so looking forward to holding. I was so incredibly excited for a few days. I could not believe I had finally been given what was promised to me; then in a blink of an eye it was stolen from me. I am so angry! My God who is a miracle worker and who allows nothing to happen without His permission allowed this. I am hurt. I feel betrayed. Yes I know in my heart of hearts that His plans are bigger and I don't see the big picture but it does not keep these emotions from raging.
I came home from work tonight and just lost it. It was the first time I cried since it happened. For the first time ever in this long two year journey we finally had victory. I finally felt that joy that I had been waiting so long to feel.
Is this going to mar the next time I finally get my Positive Test. Am I going to be fearful the entire time that this too will be snatched from me?
I just want to kick and scream and cry and say ~F~ you world. I am just so incredibly upset. I feel my my entire vacation was a waste. I went to allow myself to get away from it all and just enjoy everything I get back and just a few days later everything seems to come crashing down.
I want to just curl up into a hole. A deep dark hole where there is nothing but silence. Nothing but an opportunity to have stillness and quite. I just want so badly to move on. To act like nothing ever happened- but I can't. It did. I feel a void in my heart right now that I'm not sure anything will be able to fill until I am holding my own beautiful baby.
I think this is part of the healing process. I think I was just in so much shock before I didn't know what to think. I want to move on and heal.
God you see my heart and my emotions and all those things that come to my mind now. I know there is healing in opening up. I don't even know what to pray but I know you see my heart and my mind and I ask for your peace. In your holy name Amen.
After the Rain author unknown
ReplyDelete"Life, once filled with sunlight and promise, has colored by loss to be all storm and shadow. Use my tears, Lord, as the showers needed to bring rainbows. Shine your love on me as the sun; lift my eyes so I can see even the smallest curves of hope in the lightening sky."
At the risk of not finding quite the right words... as for me I have never had the experience of joy with a BFP ever or the loss of a chemical pregnancy, if I had I would know that God granted me the precious Gift of being able to become pregnant and fulfilled the vision he revealed to me over four years ago of my husband and I with our own baby, a girl, in spite of our advanced ages. I cannot put into words the love we felt in that vision of that little girl filling our lives. A pregnancy at this stage of my life would not be anything short of a miracle that could only come from God himself. If he gave he a BFP, however brief, I would take that even for a short moment, give her a name and know that she would be waiting for me in heaven and that God would adopt and look after her until I arrived there. She would be sitting on Jesus lap filling her with the lessons of His life on earth and how much very much she was loved. Was this a vision from God or what was in my heart, or are they the same thing? The Bible says that God will give us the desires of our hearts.
Two years ago, I was captivated by the clouds in the sky after a light storm and was compelled to take pictures of the clouds, as the sky was so incredibly bright it could NOT be seen with the naked eye. I began taking pictures with my phone/camera over such a few minutes, taking the advice of not looking at the sun. After finishing taking the pictures, I went into the house to enjoy the pictures. Within the series of approximately ten pictures formed a cut out of a cross in the clouds, yes a cross. In the frame of the cross were doves ascending. If I had not used my phone/camera I would have missed God's message to me of that cross. God knew how much my heart fills with joy from clouds, but instead looking at clouds picturing what they look like, he gave me a cross. I cannot image why He would give me something so special or what He meant by it. It is written in scripture that in heaven there is no darkness, no night, God illuminates as well as Jesus as His Son. The Son of man is the sun in the sky to me, in the clouds that shown a cross. What I do know is that God loved me so much that he gave me his to die for my sins.
Two months ago God gave me reassurance telling me not to worry, then I happened upon your "journey." In having read your experiences, you have given me the courage to seek medical intervention to a minimum to answers to see whether or not things can be helped along to balance out my body. Is this divine timing? Only God can answer that question. Some day when I stand before the Lord and give an accounting of my life, if permitted, if will need to ask Him and what he meant by the cross.
I'll pray for you and you pray for me...Your sister in Christ
That is such a beautiful poem, and it reminds me of something I use to say all the time whenever I would hear people complain about the rain outside: It takes those rainy days to make the gorgeous ones so special. Without the rain there would be no flowers, not beautiful color in the world. So I know this storm is just preparing me for the wonderful beauty of my children to come. Thank you for your prayers. I will be praying for you as well. I Know He is faithful He always is.
DeleteDevin, I would recommend you listen to a song by Natalie Grant called "Held" its a good song for a situation that you are going through.
ReplyDeletePlease search for it on youtube, please.
I will definitely look up this song. Thank you. I love Natalie Grant
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