Not Our Time

So the spotting came back and had continued.  Though the cramping wasn't like anything I've been experiencing before.  I went in this morning for another blood test and decided to take another pregnancy test too while I waited.  Well the pregnancy test came back negative.  I kind of knew most likely I wasn't in for good news.

My Beta # dropped to 4 ending this in a chemical pregnancy.

Honestly I'm okay.  I didn't think I would be, but I think the spotting and tests not getting darker had me kind of suspecting it.  The Dr wants us to take a month off and then we can try again.  I'm really hoping this cycle will be short and not be as long as it normally would be.  Hopefully this makes everything line up as it would for a normal cycle.

How am I feeling:

I know I'm going to have my ups and downs.  I think the only way to describe how I feel right now is peace.  I know I saw positive pregnancy tests.  I know I had that excited feeling but I was having such a hard time believing it was real.  Part of me wants to go in that direction, in thinking it wasn't real since it is easier to accept heal and move on if I do not think of this as an actual pregnancy even though I know it was.  

It helps to take it in knowing I was having my tests not show or get lighter.  And then when I woke up this morning to a negative test and spotting and I just knew that I wasn't going to get a good answer, though I was hoping against all hope that I would.  I feel relieved that it happened now and didn't wait till a baby was forming.  I feel sad that I had to tell my husband he wasn't going to be a Daddy yet after all.  I think I was more worried for him than me on the emotional scale.  Mainly because I could feel and see what was happening with my body so I knew something was happening that I was pretty sure wasn't supposed to be.  Where he couldn't he could only go by what I was saying and try and think positively. 

For now we take a month off then try again.  So what am I going to do in this month?  I'm going to enjoy every second of it.  While getting things ready for next cycle: I'm going to run, eat healthy, cut back on my caffeine.   I want to allow God to heal what needs healed and if I feel the need to grieve (which I know I will at some point) I want to allow myself to grieve.  We will have our baby just not yet.