I can't run from this

No matter how much I try to think that if I have an amazing vacation everything will be okay.  But the truth is...even though yes so far this vacation has been amazing.  We leave Myrtle Beach tomorrow morning but I still have another 4 days off work.  And even though I know all of this it doesn't make looking at my situation any easier. 

I don't want to say I'm depressed for that I feel is too strong of a word.  I think it's more just tired and worn out emotionally.  And there is only so far a vacation can take care of that.  When you've been fighting the same battle month after month there comes a time that when you step away for a week you think it will help you feel refreshed but it doesn't fix anything.  I think it just gives me only enough strength to keep going without completely losing my sanity.  

I still have no idea how this cycle worked out.  I want to be hopeful  but I think at this point I'm so use to dissapointment I don't have any fight left in me.  I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say but at this point I just feel like I'm going through the motions. 

Normally during the two week wait Isaac and I are constantly talking optimistically about how we will tell people when we find out.  What we will say, when the baby will be born ect; but we've barely said anything about it this month.  I think in part its been so good for us to get away to keep our minds off it.  It's allowed that not be the only thing occupying our minds. 

I have hope.  I really want this all to work out.  But I also know that nothing I do at this point is going to change anything.  If it's meant to be it will be. 

I am just so very very tired of this journey.  If this treatment cycle doesn't work Isaac and I will officially be over 2 years trying to conceive. 

I just got news right before vacation that another friend I know is pregnant, but this time on accident.  Oh how I wish that could be me.  Don't get me wrong she is an amazing person and I am so excited for her but deep down I can't help but feel a little envious.  I don't think that will ever go away until I have a child to call my own. 

So for now I will take it day by day and try and rest along the way as I go.  But it's so much easier said then done.  I feel like my Christ like attitude is being chipped away bit by bit.  And I hate it.  I don't want to give in to my flesh I want to surrender everything to God...truly and lay it down at his feet.   Right now I think it's just a matter of trying to see how.

How do I not allow something that every day shows me that I'm broken not to rule my day.  How can I get to a point where I'm okay.  I don't have the answers.  But I think He'll show me eventually.

I do remember though even though I feel broken He uses people that were broken:

Moses- had trouble speaking in public
Gideon-was a coward hiding instead of fighting till the Lord called Him out
David-was a adulterer murderer and liar
Jonah-Was bitter and rebellious 


Those are just a few the list could go on and on.  I want to get to a point where I know He can use me despite what I am.  He uses the broken.  And I am broken.  I can not run from this.